Culture & Conversation

The Tea Party and the Taliban


I cannot escape it. Everywhere I turn someone is talking about how we should racially profile Muslims, or stop allowing Muslim students into North America, or how Islam teaches hate and violence, or that Arab men are abusive, or that Jesus is so much nicer than Muhammad. The list goes on and on and on.

As a Muslim I can honestly tell you I am not a “turn the other cheek” kinda lady. As hard as I try to be otherwise, I’m actually more of an “eye for an eye” type of person. But I can assure you I haven’t killed anyone and I won’t anytime soon. Although I must admit I have really terrible road rage –  but you can blame the Montreal roads and not the Quran, SVP.

Now that I think of it, I have never met a real life extremist Muslim. Or an abusive Muslim man. I’ve met plenty with horrible tempers, but the women are as bad as the men, believe me.  I’m guilty too. But not a single Arab I know has ever committed an act of violence. And I know a shit load of Arabs/Muslims. Too many, to be honest with you.  I was born in Kuwait, I’ve been to Palestine, Jordan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia Turkey and United Arab Emirates and I’ve yet to meet a crazy Muslim?  I’m not saying they don’t exist (it’s math, remember?), but the way Fox news puts it you’d think there’d be one on each corner of the street. But in all fairness I may be blinded by my burqa.

I just cannot stand those who spew hate. A lot of right-wing personalities in the U.S say provacative things to gain popularity and realize their capitalist dream. The more shocking, the more hateful, the better. I have no doubt they believe they’re simply exposing Islam for what it truly stands for. Right! Because we all know that people loooove Muslims. But thanks to my hilarious mentor Arab-American comedian Dean Obeidallah, I’ve learned not to worry too much about Muslim haters thanks to this article.

The truth is, I’m not a fan of religion — which ever one it is. I think monotheistic religions are sexist and were created at a time when that was ok. I believe religion creates separation between people of different belief systems and when interpreted by ignorant people, religion creates violence. Just like it did in England. But just as right winged propagandist sincerely believe they’re fighting terror by exposing Islam, right winged Muslims believe their fighting the invasion of the West in their homeland. Violence should never be excused nor should ignorance. Such atrocious behavior is inexcusable especially on Western soil, simply because we live in a society of abundant knowledge. Fighting oppression or injustice with violence will only hinder your cause.  But I’ll tell you something right now Bill O’Riley lovers, you want to take a break from Muslims in your country? The feeling is mutual – they don’t want you around either.

See how much you have in common? Watching the news the past couple of weeks I noticed to what degree the right wing in North America and extremist Muslim groups are the same. They’re so similar I want to write a musical where they realize how alike their ideals are and fall in love — sort of like George W Bush and the Saudi Royal family did. In fact, they can star in my play.

Yes, I have been dreaming this for a while. To write a musical staring the Tea Party and the Taliban: A Hate Story! But the viewers must be warned. The language in this Tony Award future winner will be highly offensive, hateful, racist, sexist and violent. Everyone who’ll come to this play will have to be really careful not to sing the tunes too loud after the show. Here is a sneak peak of some of the songs this Broadway smash hit will feature:

  1. Opening scene: I Kill You (duet)
  2. I’m American and I Have the Right to Guns and Iraqi Oil
  3. Hate the Playa not the Quran
  4. Allah Hates Infidels
  5. Jesus Hates Fags
  6. I Love Israel I Hate Israel (duet)
  7. Like a Virgin (duet)
  8. DDD — Don’t Drink, Dance or Date (duet)
  9. A Woman Does Not Have the Right to Choose Anything (duet)

Please no need for a standing ovation everyone.

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